Yesterday was Drop Everything And Read in 2W. Most notably I did not drop my laundry duties but I think that’s a very positive outcome. I had thoughts. I read Infomocracy.
I had one thought in particular that I liked enough to send to Amy.
The main characters in the story are Real People. They care about making Real Things happen and stopping people from just falling into patterns and not Thinking. I, too, wish to be a real person. But I think I am sometimes and I think I am not others. Most of the time I’m just trying to be a real person. I feel like the Ponies in the short story “Ponies”. They aren’t real ponies, they’re some human-constructed charicature of the real thing. They’re Ponies.
I feel like I have cotton-candy motivations that come off with clean styrofoam slices, just like the Ponies’ wings. Like my having a voice is so absurd that if someone were to take it away it would leave a smile of a scar, mocking me.
Like if I were to get beaten to death you’d only see foam, and then nothing.
What am I trying to say here, really? Maybe it’s that I feel disconnected from the person I want to be? I want to be a person with purpose and experience. Someone who is fast and able to take up the roles I put on for myself. Someone who is able to evaluate choices clearly and not be gullible.
But I’m not. I feel sometimes like an enthusiastic child. I don’t see myself ever growing up.
I naturally want to hang around people who are better at this than me, so it’s possible I’m biased. I love being enthusiastic but that often involves Falling into Patterns. Music is one of those things. I love music but music has no place in my value to other people. I’ll keep doing it anyway of course, but it should be mentioned.
I feel like perhaps my preferred way of structuring sentences is either indicative of or causes my overthinking. I often go “x but y”.